Power of Positive Talk

I remember my dad teaching me the power of language at a very young age. Not only did my dad understand that specific words affect our mental pictures, but he understood words are a powerful programming factor in lifelong success.

One particularly interesting event occurred when I was eight. As a kid, I was always climbing trees, poles, and literally hanging around upside down from the rafters of our lake house. So, it came to no surprise for my dad to find me at the top of a 30-foot tree swinging back and forth. My little eight-year-old brain didn't realize the tree could break or I could get hurt. I just thought it was fun to be up so high.

My older cousin, Tammy, was also in the same tree. She was hanging on the first big limb, about ten feet below me. Tammy's mother also noticed us at the exact time my dad did. About that time a huge gust of wind came over the tree. I could hear the leaves start to rattle and the tree begin to sway. I remember my dad's voice over the wind yell, "Bart, Hold on tightly." So I did. The next thing I know, I heard Tammy screaming at the top of her lungs, laying flat on the ground. She had fallen out of the tree.

I scampered down the tree to safety. My dad later told me why she fell and I did not. Apparently, when Tammy's mother felt the gust of wind, she yelled out, "Tammy, don't fall!" And Tammy did... fall.

My dad then explained to me that the mind has a very difficult time processing a negative image. In fact, people who rely on internal pictures cannot see a negative at all. In order for Tammy to process the command of not falling, her nine-year-old brain had to first imagine falling, then try to tell the brain not to do what it just imagined. Whereas, my eight-year-old brain instantly had an internal image of me hanging on tightly.

This concept is especially useful when you are attempting to break a habit or set a goal. You can't visualize not doing something. The only way to properly visualize not doing something is to actually find a word for what you want to do and visualize that. For example, when I was thirteen years old, I played for my junior high school football team. I tried so hard to be good, but I just couldn't get it together at that age. I remember hearing the words run through my head as I was running out for a pass, "Don't drop it!" Naturally, I dropped the ball.

My coaches were not skilled enough to teach us proper "self-talk." They just thought some kids could catch and others couldn't. I'll never make it pro, but I'm now a pretty good Sunday afternoon football player, because all my internal dialogue is positive and encourages me to win. I wish my dad had coached me playing football instead of just climbing trees. I might have had a longer football career.

Here is a very easy demonstration to teach your kids and your friends the power of a toxic vocabulary. Ask them to hold a pen or pencil. Hand it to them. Now, follow my instructions carefully. Say to them, "Okay, try to drop the pencil." Observe what they do.

Most people release their hands and watch the pencil hit the floor. You respond, "You weren't paying attention. I said TRY to drop the pencil. Now please do it again." Most people then pick up the pencil and pretend to be in excruciating pain while their hand tries but fails to drop the pencil.

The point is made.

If you tell your brain you will "give it a try," you are actually telling your brain to fail. I have a "no try" rule in my house and with everyone I interact with. Either people will do it or they won't. Either they will be at the party or they won't. I'm brutal when people attempt to lie to me by using the word try. Do they think I don't know they are really telegraphing to the world they have no intention of doing it but they want me to give them brownie points for pretended effort? You will never hear the words "I'll try" come out of my mouth unless I'm teaching this concept in a seminar.

If you "try" and do something, your unconscious mind has permission not to succeed. If I truly can't make a decision I will tell the truth. "Sorry John. I'm not sure if I will be at your party or not. I've got an outstanding commitment. If that falls through, I will be here. Otherwise, I will not. Thanks for the invite."

People respect honesty. So remove the word "try" from your vocabulary.

My dad also told me that psychologists claim it takes seventeen positive statements to offset one negative statement. I have no idea if it is true, but the logic holds true. It might take up to seventeen compliments to offset the emotional damage of one harsh criticism.

These are concepts that are especially useful when raising children.

Ask yourself how many compliments you give yourself daily versus how many criticisms. Heck, I know you are talking to yourself all day long. We all have internal voices that give us direction.

So, are you giving yourself the 17:1 ratio or are you shortchanging yourself with toxic self-talk like, " I'm fat. Nobody will like me. I'll try this diet. I'm not good enough. I'm so stupid. I'm broke, etc. etc."

If our parents can set a lifetime of programming with one wrong statement, imagine the kind of programming you are doing on a daily basis with your own internal dialogue. Here is a list of Toxic Vocabulary words.

Notice when you or other people use them.

Ø But: Negates any words that are stated before it.
Ø Try: Presupposes failure.
Ø If: Presupposes that you may not.
Ø Might: It does nothing definite. It leaves options for your listener.
Ø Would Have: Past tense that draws attention to things that didn't actually happen.
Ø Should Have: Past tense that draws attention to things that didn't actually happen (and implies guilt.)
Ø Could Have: Past tense that draws attention to things that didn't actually happen but the person tries to take credit as if it did happen.
Ø Can't Don't: These words force the listener to focus on exactly the opposite of what you want. This is a classic mistake that parents and coaches make without knowing the damage of this linguistic error.

Examples:
Toxic phrase: "Don't drop the ball!"
Likely result: Drops the ball
Better language: "Catch the ball!"

Toxic phrase: "You shouldn't watch so much television."
Likely result: Watches more television.
Better language: "I read too much television makes people stupid. You might find yourself turning that TV off and picking up one of those books more often!"

Exercise: Take a moment to write down all the phrases you use on a daily basis or any Toxic self-talk that you have noticed yourself using. Write these phrases down so you will begin to catch yourself as they occur and change them.

Five Questions That Help You Make the Most of Your Time

Questions have the power to instantly change your focus and put you into a productive frame of mind.

These five simple time management questions will immediately direct your attention, your focus, and your thinking toward your top priorities and away from distractions.

Just ask yourself these questions habitually throughout the day, and you will start making better use of your time.

1. What is the most valuable use of my time right now?

This is a slight variation of a question developed by time management expert Alan Lakein.

The purpose of this question is to shift your focus to what is most important and valuable at this moment. It is a perfect question to ask whenever you are unsure about what to do next, whenever you face an unexpected interruption, or whenever you feel that you are not making good use of your time.

For example, let's say you find yourself with an extra 20 minutes of unscheduled time. Asking yourself "What is the most valuable use of my time right now?" will help you find an important task for the time you have available.

2. What am I ultimately trying to accomplish?

The purpose of this question is to focus your thinking on your real objectives and goals -- the real reasons you are working on your projects and task

Asking this question habitually will help you avoid getting sidetracked, drifting into trivia, or falling into perfectionism. You can use this powerful question for all your projects.

For example, while preparing a presentation, you can easily get sucked into less valuable work when you start playing with the formatting, or adding bells and whistles, instead of working on the content.

The work seems important because it is connected to your presentation project, but when you take a closer look, you realize that you are wasting your time on details that don't really matter.

Asking this question will help you refocus your efforts on your real objectives and away from trivial matters. If it turns out that the formatting details are important for this project, you'll recognize this as well and give them the attention they deserve.

This question can also help you find and eliminate useless tasks that don't contribute toward your ultimate goals.

3. What am I giving up to do this?

Whenever you choose to do something, you automatically reject everything else you could have done during that time.

The purpose of this question is to help you realize what you are giving up in order to undertake a task or project. Once you recognize the true cost of an activity, you may decide that it is not how you really want to spend your time.

Asking this question before you take on a new task or project will help you stay focused on what really matters. It will also help you recognize when you should be saying no to that new request.

You should also ask this question about activities that you are already doing on a regular basis. These could be things like volunteering to do some work for your trade association, chairing a committee, or serving on the board of a community organization.

While all of these things may be valuable undertakings, you may be sacrificing something even more important to do them. Asking "What am I giving up to do this?" may turn out to be a real eye opener.

You probably wouldn't consciously sacrifice time with your family in order to participate in a committee you don't care about, but you might be doing it by default if you don't examine your existing commitments on a regular basis.

4. What are my three most important projects or tasks today?

The purpose of this question is to help you make use of the 80/20 rule every day. The 80/20 rule states that 80 percent of the value is contained in only 20 percent of the items. The top two or three projects and tasks in any given day could account for up to 80 percent of your day's value, so give them the time and priority they deserve.

If you practice weekly planning, you can change this question to "What are the three most important projects for this week?"

5. Should I continue doing this?

This is a slight variation of the first two questions, but shifts the focus toward what to stop doing rather than what to start doing.

Deciding to stop doing something that is no longer valuable is often more important than actually deciding to start doing something else.

This is a perfect question to ask whenever you feel you may be wasting time trying to perfect something that should already be done, or when you feel stuck in a commitment that is no longer serving your long-term objectives.

Keys to Success:

* Make it a habit. At first, you'll have to keep reminding yourself to ask these questions over and over again. However, if you keep asking consistently, eventually they will become a habit that will serve you for the rest of your life.

* Use these three steps whenever you have to make a time management decision: pause to think before you react, use questions to put you in the right frame of mind, and do the right thing.

* Keep asking until you get an answer. Sometimes you won't get an answer to these questions right away; just keep asking while you review your projects and task. The right answer will come.

make happiness to happen...

You don't have to wait for something great to happen to be happy. You don't need a reason. All you need is to make a decision that's what you want to be and every day. As I said, what you focus on expands.

If you're watching something funny and laughing are you feeling stressed or at that moment feeling happy.

Check this out. For just a moment, close your eyes sit up straight, relax your shoulders, open your arms wide as if you're going to hug someone, take a deep breath and smile. How do you feel? Have a feeling of lightness, energy!

Now, hunch your shoulders, make your hands into fists, take some short quick breaths and frown. How does it feel to do this? Feel your energy draining?

All you did was make a decision! You can do this every day. Over the years, I've often heard from people, well when I have........ ......... ..I'll be happy, if I could do.......... ........I would be happy. And as I told them, no you wouldn't. It might make you more comfortable however it would not necessarily make you feel happier.

Happiness is something we create from the inside and can occur whatever your situation. People who are penniless and homeless can be happy if that's what they decide or you can have all the material things in the world, money, cars, clothes and homes and still be unhappy. I know from the latter that it's true. I had most of the material things 25 years ago and I still wasn't happy.

Now I set an intention each day that no matter what, I'm going to have a happy day. I encourage you to do this for atleast one week. See if you feel lighter at the weeks end and then continue doing the same. Laugh each day, enjoy everything around you and be very grateful that you have the life you are living. You see, it really is all about a state of mind.

when you thought I wasn't looking...

A message every adult should read, because children are watching you and doing as you do, not as you say.

When you thought I wasn't looking, I saw you hang my first painting on the refrigerator, and I immediately wanted to paint another one.

When you thought I wasn't looking, I saw you feed a stray cat, and I learned that it was good to be kind to animals.

When you thought I wasn't looking, I saw you make my favorite cake for me and I learned that the little things can be the special things in life.

When you thought I wasn't looking, I heard you say a prayer, and I knew there is a God I could always talk to and I learned to trust in God.

When you thought I wasn't looking, I saw you make a meal and take it to a friend who was sick, and I learned that we all have to help take care of each other.

When you thought I wasn't looking, I saw you give of your time and money to help people who had nothing and I learned that those who have something should give to those who don't.

When you thought I wasn't looking, I saw you take care of our house and everyone in it and I learned we have to take care of what we are given.

When you thought I wasn't looking, I saw how you handled your responsibilities, even when you didn't feel good and I learned that I would have to be responsible when I grow up.

When you thought I wasn't looking, I saw tears come from your eyes and I learned that sometimes things hurt, but it's all right to cry.

When you thought I wasn't looking, I saw that you cared and I wanted to be everything that I could be.

When you thought I wasn't looking, I learned most of life's lessons that I need to know to be a good and productive person when I grow up.

When you thought I wasn't looking, I looked at you and wanted to say, "Thanks for all the things I saw when you thought I wasn't looking."

LITTLE EYES SEE A LOT.

Each of us (parent, grandparent, aunt, uncle, teacher or friend) influence the life of a child.

Attitudes of Successful Learners

1. "I can."
This is the most basic of all attitudes. We simply must choose to believe that we can learn. In our house we are not allowed to say, "I can't." We can say, "I'll try," or "I tried and failed," but not "I can't." Telling yourself that you can't will in effect make it so. But telling yourself that you can, will in effect enable you to learn much more. Even if you actually only achieve 50% of what you tell yourself, you will achieve at least that much more than if you told yourself you couldn't. So many people were told at a young age that they couldn't learn. Many others were allowed to engage in that kind of negative self talk (tell themselves, "I can't learn", "I don't understand", I'll never get this", etc.) and their parents and teachers didn't intervene. This enabled them to develop the "I can't" attitudes that become self-fulfilling prophecies.

I actually have a standard way of going about getting myself off of the starting block. I simply say if somebody else has achieved great learning heights, then I can too. I have to be smarter than at least one of those who has already done it. I have to be able to work harder than at least one other. There has to be at least one other person who has come from more difficult circumstances than me. And if they can do it then certainly, "I can!"

2. "This is a long-term approach."
Learning isn't something that happens overnight. Yes, you can learn individual facts, but the real growth comes when you see your learning build on itself and compound for years, when your knowledge meets up with your experience. When we take the attitude that it all has to happen immediately, we hurt ourselves in the long run because the fact is that it takes time to learn (even though we can accelerate it). If we expect it to happen immediately and it doesn't, then we can get frustrated and stop learning altogether.

Instead, we need to take a long-term view just as we do in financial matters, weight management, leadership, etc. Long-term thinking, including our learning is always the best way to go for success.

3. "Learning is valuable."
Some people have a "learning schmearning - who needs learning" attitude. They think that learning is overrated. I hate to tell you this, but not only was that wrong 5000, 500 and 50 years ago, it is especially wrong today. We live in the information age. We must gain knowledge and the ability to apply that knowledge if we are going to be successful. We must tell ourselves and cultivate the attitude that learning is valuable and that it will affect our lives.

4. "I will make a difference in the lives of those around me."
People who soar are generally people who have the attitude of helping other people. Yes, they may do it for monetary gain, but they are others-focused. They want to change the way people live and experience life for the better. They are difference makers all around. This is the same in what we learn. We learn first for ourselves, but then with the goal of taking what we have learned, and what we make of ourselves, and we then help others to do the same